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April 19 Reality...I first heard it from a very good but old friend. "The truth comes out when your drunk" people can say mean and hurtful things when they have alcohol in them...liquid courage to say the things you normally would not say when you were sober. But people can also go to the opposite end of the spectrum and speak the nice truth. They can say nice, good, sweet things that they maybe dont express enough when they are sober for either fear of how other people will react or thinking they may get hurt for some reason. The evil truth hurts but sometimes the nice truth is needed.
Tonite I was reminded how no matter how frequently people express their emotions it doesnt matter...they feel that way all the time. Sometimes theres a time to express these feelings. And other times you just dont. People have a side to them that is often hidden. Its who they truly are but its not who they portray themselves to be. And sometimes all you see is the side that you know and you forget that they have other parts to them that make them who they are, why they say and do the things that they do.
You reminded me of the simple things that are important. The reasons why we get out of bed each day, the reason for being. How people can simply change your life for the better. You reminded me that no matter what has happened in the past that it is now the present and we can choose how we are going to react and continue through each day. People can hurt you, people can desert you, people can make you dissappointed and sad and upset and angry. But people can also change your entire perspective life, change your way of thinking. They can surprise you and delight you and please you and make you thankful to have them in your life several times a day. Sometimes the most meaningful and important things cant be spoken. But you know they are there and that they exist.
You shouldnt blame the people currently in your life for the things others have done in the past. This is my biggest battle, a daily struggle. An issue that I dont know will ever completly go away so I can be totally completly faithful and trusting in the present. But with the people in my life that I am consistantly surrounded by it is becoming easier to fight this battle. And everyday with the words you speak and the things you dont even have to say all you have to do is think them and I know...its getting better and better.
And I saw too many things
So much pain
But now im seeing much clearer
Its getting better and better
  March 19 Things I just have to remind myself...Sometimes I just have to remind myself of things. Things that sometimes I forget and sometimes I just have to pull myself back into reality and remind myself that everything is okay and that nothing has changed.
Sometimes I dont know why I tell people the things I do...or write them the things I do. Because when I dont get a response back I wonder. I wonder if they read it...I wonder if it meant something to them. I wonder if they care. Sometimes I just need confirmation on things so I know for myself the truth. I dont know sometimes I just feel like its wasted time. This is when I have to remind myself that even without confirmation and without talking about something I have to know that people do understand and that it does mean something to them. I have to know if they read it or aknowledged it that its in their head. And thats all I really wanted...was for people to know what I think.
Then theres other times that I have to remind myself that no matter who is in ur life that its possible to love more then one person. Its possible to love someone and still love another just as much or even more but in a different kinda of way. Its not like a person can only love one other. Sometimes I just tend to forget....and sometimes I just gotta remember. February 26 What means the world to me...What means the world to me?
Its rather interesting the way I got thinking about this question. I heard the song "What Means The World To Me" by Ludacris, Cam'rom, Trina etc. And I began thinking about what means the world to me, what I really need to make it thru each day and what I need to make me happy.
And this is what I've thought of so far
What means the world to me? Nites with my friends that I probably wont remember. Stars. Driving for miles. Going to Victoria and Vancouver. My friends. My family. Beer and vodka. WEED. Days with my friends where we do absolutly nothing but lay around and had more fun than most other days. Comfy beds. Sunshine. Ability to have freedom. Not being controlled. Money. Purses. Necklaces rings and bracelets. Music. Days off. Perfume. Laughter. Smiling. Hoodies and sweaters. Jeans. Flip flops. Ice cream. Traveling and road trips. Pictures. Videos. My computer. Dancing. Secrets. Truth. Honesty. Letters from friends. Emails from friends. Phone calls from friends. Blankets. Singing. Happiness.
February 24 .....I probably shouldnt be writing this. I probably should be sleeping. And everyone thinks I'm sleeping.
I dont know why I'm writing this...I felt like I need to.
My eyes are burning, 14 hours of sleep over 3 days does stuff to ones mind. But its like I cant sleep no matter what I cant get myself to go to bed. And its not that I cant fall asleep its like I cant make myself even get to the bed. Why when I'm this tired do I not do the right thing and that is to sleep? Makes no sense! Its like I fear being alone or something or not awake. Like I'll miss something...I dont know what it is. I feel like my mind and thoughts are twisted and and knotted and tangled up and I'm trying to untangle them and make it all straight again but I cant. Its so much effort and just as I'm about to get the last few knots undone new ones show up again out of no where and I dont even know why they are there. Its just this never ending job. I discover and I think and I believe that I find answers and then suddenly I'm back to the beginning.
If you read this next part and dont understand what I am talking about then it obviously isnt meant towards you...
"Sometimes I just need you" "Everyones a let down it just depends on how far down they can go" "We sometimes cant put into words exactly how we are feeling, or how much feel for and love someone. Maybe it shouldnt be humanly possible to explain that kinda stuff" Its like when I'm around you everything is okay...its like nothing bad can happen. Like I'm in some sort of bubble. Nothing matters except the present when we're together. I dont know how its possible to do absolutly nothing but still would rather be there then anywhere else in the world at that moment. I know you know what I'm talking about. I believe we all keep each other grounded...I dont know...I cant explain anything more...its just not humanly possible to.
But for the people that will never get to experience the things we do on a daily basis well that makes me sad because I would hope everyone would experience something as cool and great and special and nice as what we get too. But I know everyone doesnt get too...and so that makes me more thankful for everything. And I'm sure tho one day it will end up also making me hurt more than the average soul.
So thats all I must nap now. To anyone who believes they understand what I am saying but doesnt know for sure and needs some clarification feel free to ask...I'll explain
January 14 2 years have passed....I never check this place anymore...I guess msn spaces is just second to my youtube and myspace.
 Its been just over 2 years since I started writing and doing things on this space. I just went back and read a couple of old blog entries and man oh man how things have changed. I use to be obbssesed with you...why? Its nothing like that now  The way I wrote and the things I said I am so far past that...moved on you might say. But I dont feel different, though I sound different I feel the same. Im not even sure why I'm writing this, does anyone read this? I dont think so. Is it just out of boredem and highness I come here to write? Thats a good possibility. Ya know I just realized that I have no idea if you read these things...you have never told me if you read what I write here. Not that I care now I dont...sometimes my mind just wanders tho... Have you ever thought about the impact every single decision you...or someone else makes. Maybe not every decision but almost everyone changes your life in ways it would not have changed had you made a different decision. Does that make sense?? Like say I had never got my second job...I would not have met any of the people that I know there...I would not be friends with the ones there that mean so much to me...if I wasnt there where would I be at that moment now? I have no idea I'll never know...because this is the path I have created for myself. Even other peoples decisions impact the way your life works out. Like had my grandparents never moved to canada my mom would have never met my dad and there would be no me
 or if my parents had never moved to Nanaimo from Alberta I would maybe still be here, not here tho...in Alberta? Where? Not knowing anyone in the world that I know...which scares me and makes me sad to think of a life without the friends I know. Do I make sense speaking these ideas? Am I crazy? Or maybe I'm so crazy I'm actually making sense? I dont know. Its something to think about tho...maybe a little somethin somethin to blow your mind ah! Or maybe everyone that reads this should go have a couple oil hoots and let me know what they start thinking about...yeah go...do it
Why are u still reading this?
(I will say tho if anyone can read this and understands me, knows exactly what I'm talking about, agrees with me or can make sense of me...well that would totally blow my mind and I would totally love you  )November 24 AKON-KonvictedWow its been almost a month since I've written anything here. I guess thats because my life isnt all bad and I have nothing to say and at the same time I never really do anything but work so theres not much to say their either. But there is something now I would like to share. Akons new CD "Konvicted" GO BUY IT, DOWNLOAD IT, GET SOMEONE TO BURN IT! Wow its so amazingly awsome. I havent found a song that I dont like. I dont know theres something about his voice, and its just wow. I love it the way he says his words and what not. I can just sit there and listen to it and honestly it makes me feel like everything is and will be ok and it just calms me. I love it, its almost hypnotic. Of course "Shake that" and "I wanna fuck (love) you" are on there. There arent many songs tho that are like those...so some people may not like it. But go and download "SNITCH" its not from Akons CD its from Obie Trice's CD but it has Eminem and Akon in it and its my new favorite
 Ok stay well I'll catch you guys later!
Oh on another note I no longer work at the North KFC!!!!! I know its like amazing!!! I do work at the South one tho but I'm hoping it'll be different. And I got certified as a Shift at Starbucks...so I guess its been a pretty good week yay  October 25 Ooo Halloween!Ooo its almost HALLOWEEN
 I love halloween yay I think it probably my favorite holiday. I have some weird "obssession" with pumpkins. I love them they are so cute and orange haha I know I'm a strange one. I went to the haunted house at Beban tonite. OMG scary haha I was actually truly scared. So was Hannah and Bre..I think Bre was she was laughing alot but I think she was scared. We of course were also high so I'm sure we were trippin a little more then usual haha. This Saturday is a little party for halloween that we're having at Starbuckies. I'm getting ready with Courtney...also known as getting drunk before haha. I'm going as a rasta! Yeah mon! I dont really know how I thought of it the idea just kinda came to me the other day, kinda for a number of reasons. 1)Its an easy thing to dress up as, I have a pot leaf t-shirt that I'm going to wear and all I had to do was buy a rasta wig with a multi colored "tam". 2)I have this picture of Grant, its a really cute pic and in it hes wearing a rasta/dreadlock wig. It's kinda in honor of him because its just something that would make him smile. And sometimes I like to remember
3)I love love love Bob Marley. Maybe one of the most famous rastas of all time. And 4) I'm a stoner...I may as well have an excuse to look and actually act like one for at least a day bahaha Well anyways thats the update. I'll be making a video message birthday thingy for Soria cause its her bday on Friday!!!! I hope she'll be happy that I'm giving her a message yayOctober 15 Personality thingy
personality tests by similarminds.com October 04 TimothyDeLaGhetto AKA TraphikI dont know how many of you are familar with youtube.com. Its a site gaining in popularity everyday. I'll admit it yes I am addicted to youtube.com haha I can hardly remember what I did on the computer before I discovered youtube. I have a link on my space just to the right that goes to my videos and such. My videos arent all that great its other peoples videos that are great. Like one guy inparticular. His name on youtube is "TimothyDeLaGhetto2" or if that account gets flagged by haters and gets deleted he has another account by the name "theTimothyDeLaGhetto". He raps and freestyles and hes really really good!
But its not just that hes a cool guy with a great personality and all hes trying to do is make his way to the top. By using the internet and youtube to gain fans and become known. I think you should support things that you believe in. I like TimothyDeLaGhetto and would like nothing more then be able to hear an actual CD by him. He makes some awsome beats and I really like how he respects his fans, thanking them for subscribing and continuing to make his videos. Hes just a regular guy like anyone else out there with a passion for something he loves and will one day hopefully be huge  <3 TimothyDeLaGhetto2 AKA Tra-PhikSeriously check this guy out if your a fan of freestyling, rap, sick beats and dope rhymes.
OR
September 27 I love good days :)Wow long time since I've written anything on here...almost a month. Not like I've really been busy haha I've been on the computer lots...I'm just doing other things. Like youtube.com...I'm addicted I really am haha. Hardly anyone has ever heard of it..so its my secret obsession ha. Today was a good day and I thought I should write about it, I havent written anything cause I always think I have nothing to say so when I have something to say I guess I should say it! Blah I'm rambling on...anyways. I actually had a good day at work today thats weird cause I wasnt working at SBUX. I did something nice for a customer today and about half an hour later she came back with flowers  sooooo nice She gave me a card with it that said I give outstanding service and just do a great job. And that I go the extra mile. It made me smile especially cause shes such a nice lady and its nice to be appreciated. Its nice to know I did something else that made someone smile. It was just a really nice thing After work Hillary did my hair OMG OMG yay! Dark dark brown with think chunky blonde streaks. EXACTLY what I wanted! And I got bangs...bah I dont know if this is a good thing or not. Gonna take a little getting use to but I think I might end up liking them. Then Daryl my special little mushroom man haha  gave me a blue MINI SHARPIE! I Sharpies..especially mini ones and Daryl has one and we can be pen partners. Oh yes thats right...and Megan oh she has one too and we can have Sharpie threesomes!  Dont ask we really are retarded! Then I found $15 in my jacket that I havent worn in like a month! YAY I finding money! Even tho it wasnt someone elses money it was mine it was still a nice surprise. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddd its September 27 which means!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9 DAYS TILL BLACK EYED PEAS CONCERT AND SEATTLE! Oh what a fabulous weekend we shall have I cant wait I'm soooo fuckin excited OMG OMG. I was going to put new pics up but for some reason my celly wont connect to my computer so I cant get them off my phone so I guess I'll try again later...there are a few quick ones of my new hair tho....oooo prettyness September 01 How quickly things can change :)Wow...its amazing how much happier I am since the last time I wrote something on here. Last time 4 days ago I felt like I was going to die. Like everything was just crashing down and there was nothing I could do about it. Well since then we've decided that we are going to Seattle when we go to Vancouver for the BEP concert in October! And we're going to go to Wild Waves & Enchanted Village! Its like a 6 flags OMG ITS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIME 3 fuckin awsome days ooooo I'm so excited. Just thinking about going in 35! days has totally changed everything. Totally gets my mind of all the bad stuff. Just cause I'm happy and excited doesnt really mean that everything is ok. It doesnt mean I'm not sad at all. But things are better. I feel alone. Jaimes gone...Soria well shes been gone for a long time but shes still gone. And I actually think I'm really truly over "you". I feel absolutly nothing for you...I see you online and I feel no desire to talk to you. When you talk to me I dont get excited I dont feel the way I use to. I have finally realized that you are not who I did love and you never will be and you are not someone that I ever will be with or want to be with. Its taken years its weird. I dont love you anymore...it doesnt even hurt or feel bad like I thought it was going to. Its strange tho because the one person that made me get over you I'm over him too. No thinking of him either...and that was really shortlived...barely even a month. I feel nothing for both. I was thinking on the way home from work tonite. This is the first time in...I think maybe 6 years I dont love you. I dont love you! I dont feel anything for you! Its like I should be scared or sad but I'm not. Its just a strange feeling...I dont know what to think really. But I'm happy....I'm happy I think I can move on now and things will be so much better. I think this is a good time...I have this feeling  August 26 It makes me feel sickI hate saying good bye, And why did I have to say good bye to you? It hurts it makes me feel sick of all people to leave I wish it wasnt you. Why cant I stop crying. Why do I miss you so much. Seeing you on visits just wont be the same and that devestates me. If not for that stupid ferry and this silly island I'm on it wouldnt even be that big of a deal. I just wish you were still here. But I want you to be happy. I hope you get everything you've ever wanted. You deserve it. And I love you. I'm not going to lie tho...I'm very very sad.  August 21 We still love you GrantWell its been another year. One more entire year. Its hard to believe. I think it actually took me almost a year and a half before it actually sunk in and became real that Grant was gone. Just thinking about those days 2 years ago hurts. Its like I cant forget any of it. Jaime calling me, us sitting by the ocean, seeing everyone from highschool. What a horrible reason we had to all get together. I wish something happy could bring that many of us together again. Grant you are thought about often. I think about you probably almost daily if not in someway then another. Your picture hangs on my fridge and it will never not hang there. I miss your laugh, your smile, your amazing personality. I still dont understand why out of everyone you were chosen to leave us. I dont think we will ever know, it just doesnt make sense. I know your looking over all of us all the time, laughing and smiling right along with us. I just wish you could be standing beside us, rather then above.
RIP GRANT 1985-2004 "Out of school having fun"
  August 20 Fabulous and sad all at the same time :SAugust has been an interesting month. There have been somedays that I have never been so sad. But theres been days that I havent been that happy either. Last weekend camping with Jaime was absolutly fab. Even tho thats the last time I'm going to see her probably for awhile...and that makes me so sad. I feel almost like I'm falling apart. I hate saying goodbye. But last nite was maybe even better. TROOPER! Oh fuck what a show. I cant believe what a great night it was. I was so hammered and fuckin with Soria watching TROOPER fuckin they are even better live then I thought. "WE'RE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME, NOT A LONG TIME. SO HAVE A GOOD TIME, THE SUN CANT SHINE EVERYDAY" Its like the most amazing song ever. And was even better when they played it twice   I got a shirt and oh yeah they all autograped it. It was such a good way to spend time with my little Soria  But so sad because as soon as she got here she left again and once again I have to say goodbye. I was crying of course...I was drunk, haha. But Lindsay brought up a good point. At least I got to see her, at least I got to hang out with her. And not just chill but enjoy a really fuckin awsome nite together...a night we will not soon forget YEAH TROOPER! And like TROOPER says we arent here for a long time and we're here for a good time and the sun cant always shine and sometimes theres tears because sometimes its gotta rain. I live by this song. Thats why I wont shed a tear. Because we had a good time, it wasnt a long time but it was totally better then not seeing each other at all. I just hate goodbyes and I feel like thats all I've been doing lately is saying goodbye to someone. This week alone I'll be saying goodbye to 3 people. And its always my favorites that leave The people I love the most and want to see the most are the ones that live the farthest away. And sometimes I try and deal with it all...August 13 Everybody....Everybody by Stabilo is a good song...its one of my songs of the moment. And I just really appreciate the lyrics and thought hey I may as well post em
Doesn't anybody know how to walk anymore? Doesn't anybody know what a radio is for? Doesn't anybody wear their hair down low? Doesn't anybody know, doesn't anybody know? Doesn't anybody hate it when the streetlight turns red? Doesn't anybody want five more minutes in bed? Doesn't anybody, doesn't anybody have a letter to send? Doesn't anybody wish they had just one more friend? Cause everybody wants, and everybody needs, Everybody asks for one more piece, Everybody wants to hear someone say please. And everybody takes, and everybody steals, Everybody cries when something feels, Everybody's looking for the drug that heals. Doesn't anybody want to take another shot at me? Go ahead the gun is loaded and the bullets are for free. Doesn't everybody spray perfume to cover up a smell? Doesn't anybody know where to go to get some help? Cause everybody wants, and everybody needs, Everybody begs for self-esteem. Why don't you get your mind out of the past. And everybody takes, and everybody steals, Everybody's been kicked by other heals. Please raise your hands up in the air. Oh in the air, in the air, Why don't you raise your hands up in the air? Why don't you raise your, raise your, raise your hands in the air? Why don't you raise your hands up in the air? Cause everybody wants. Doesn't anybody know how to walk anymore? Doesn't anybody know what a radio is for? Doesn't anybody wear their hair down low? Doesn't anybody know, doesn't anybody know? Cause everybody wants. August 02 19 more days....Well its August 2...19 days till its been 2 years. I wonder who else knows exactly what day I'm talking about? I'm sure some people will. I miss you and think of you often  And like last year and every year for the rest of my life I will remember you on August 21. I'll make a better more detailed entry on the 21...RIP  July 24 Sometimes you find interesting things on other people spacesSometimes you come across things on other people spaces that are rather interesting...I especially liked what I found this time because it was very true.
People with blue eyes are very attractive,
People born in APRIL Suave and compromising. (I dont really know if that applies to me) Funny and humorous. (Yes I am funny) Stubborn. (I believe I am stubborn) Very talkative. (I have been overally talkative since the first day I could talk) Calm and cool. (I am calm...except when I am working because then sometimes I am not calm at all haha) Kind and sympathetic. (Yes yes I am) Concerned and detailed. (Life is all about the details) Loyal. (Yes I am ) Does work well wih others. (YES I get along with most everyone yay)Very confident. (I'm fairly confidant but soon I will be more so) Sensitive. (SUPER SENSITIVE) Positive Attitude. (Almost always) Thinking generous. (I think I think about things not many others think about) Good memory. (Yes even tho I'm a burnout I can still remember most things better then other people) Clever and knowledgeable. (I'm not too smart but I guess you could say I'm clever) Loves to look for information. (Yes yes I do! I'm so curious!) Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. (Yes! I try to at least!) Able to motivate oneself and others. (I just currently motivated myself to do something I never thought I would be able to do but I was wrong and I can do it!!) Understanding. (Yes very) Fun to be around. (People say I'm fun to be around...I would like to believe them) Outgoing. (Oh I sure am..I can be shy too tho) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've also put up the other eye colors and months so you people can see about urs. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------Blue Eyes---------- people with blue eyes are very attractive, -------Brown Eyes------- people with brown eyes last the longest in --------Green Eyes---------- people with green eyes have the most passion
---------hazel eyes------------ people with hazel eyes have the best long
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Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone* always on his/her mind. ----------FEBRUARY-------------- -----------------MARCH--------------------
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------------AUGUST--------------- caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strong willed. a
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